~||Thoughts V||~


You were the one friend I needed as a child growing up.

But I couldn’t have you. In exchange for what was entitled to me, I was gifted with demons from a demon himself who taught me that it was better to keep secrets to yourself. I guess it was for his sake.

I was the one who had to suffer in silence.


I spent my days preying on the weak as I was preyed on. The weak weren’t always smaller than me nor weaker than me. The weak weren’t always people. In whatever way I could, I released my frustration and pain through hurting others and myself.


Why did you let yourself be taken away from me?

You let demons do to a child what should have been inconceivable but no. Eyes who were undeserving of you, watched me as I grew into the monster I despised. My demons, given to me by force, laughed as I molded the talents I was taught. I spun them on my spinning wheel of patience until like fine wool, they were perfect for use. These demons did not coerce me to keep them attached to me like parasites. I kept them because they were the only “friends” I knew and could trust.


I know you’ve been watching me haughtily. Watching as I descend into self-corruption. Don’t bother to send help.


Are you proud of me? I know my demons by name now: Envy. Self-righteousness. Rejection. Abandonment. Loneliness. Anger. Irrational fear. Insanity. Sadism. Regret.

We get along as well as we don’t.


I often wonder if I was ever deserving of you.


You often lose your value as delinquents such as myself grow older.


I want you to be the first to know that I am mentally independent. From today and onwards, my demons do not dictate who I should be and what I should do. I do not want my words nor actions to be influenced by things or my demons; though I may not always have control over them.


Rest assured that I will stumble and fall, sometimes even blame my demons for my faults as I have done before in the past.


I can smile at you now knowing that not having you was a lesson itself that I have yet to understand and appreciate.


I have real friends now. Friends with their own demons, some similar to mine. But we all manage to love and care for each other as if bonded by something greater than friendship. And it is for that bond that I promised myself I would give my all and more to protect what seemed almost impossible to have.

Josie Griffith


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